Living is the main cause of death. Please stop NOW.

Thanks to the Daily Mail and other British media institutions, I fear for my own life on a daily basis. I'm particularly worried about Arab paedophiles causing a banking crisis during a 'big freeze'. Thank God for CCTV, gritting trucks And racist police officers.

I'm increasingly terrified of the unnatural process we call 'death', or even old-age. I totally agree with the gold-shod, shiny-faced, Sven-Goren-Ericsson bound women who'd rather look like tupperware than an old horse. If you can afford it, why not replace your dermis with clingfilm and pump your lips full of fat from your arse? You may look like a stress-ball that's oozing between the fingers of a firm-grip, but at least you don't have to actually go to the effort of using your facial muscles when having to express extreme fear. That should save you a few calories, which is handy when you live off 'fine dining' and consider a meal to be half an anchovy balanced on top of a dried pea.

But to be honest, as a moneyless working-class boy, I doubt I'll ever have the cash or genitalia to enter a cosmetic surgery clutching a picture of Zsa Zsa Gabor for inspiration. Instead, I'm left to fear the reaper whilst smearing my face in puppy-blood - cheaper than Oil-of-Olay and occasionally free if you hang around the dustbins of bull-terrier breeders when they get back from the pub.

So, in a frugal search to perdure my life, I thought I'd use the internet to do a bit of research on the second-biggest reason for human expiration in the UK. Cancer. The Big 'C'.

The results. Enjoy them. And never do anything ever, ever again.

"Death link to too much red meat"
According to research, red meat causes cancer.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/7959128.stm

So, I'm thinking 'bugger this, I think i'll stick to white meat instead'. But maybe not...
You see, research shows that white meat causes cancer.
http://www.aliv-e.com/EN/education/articles/nutren1.asp

Oh dear. In that case, lets do veg. No?
No. Lets not.
You see, research links cancer to fruit and vegetables.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2002/feb/17/medicalscience.research

Um... It must be the solids. So... the answer must be the wholly nutritious drinkstuff that is milk.
Nope. Apparently, research shows that milk gives you cancer.
http://www.sciencenews.org/view/generic/id/41720/title/Scientists_find_a_soup_of_suspects_while_probing_m

It's probably the whole bovine thing.. didn't I hear that we haven't evolved to digest dairy? Aha! Soy milk shall be our saviour! Or not as it may seem...
Because research shows that soy milk increases the risk of cancer.
http://www.drweil.com/drw/u/id/QAA44833

I'm getting worried now. Imbibing food is going to lead to my demise. In that case, I'll just eat trace amounts of grub.
But would you Adam and Eve it!? According to research - as clearly stated on page 13 of this document, Malnutrition cases cancer.
http://www.batdc.org/DisciplinedMindch.6.pdf

So. I'm thinking 'Lets avoid food altogether. Vitamin supplements are the gravel path to eternity! How'd you like THAT mortality?'.
This is getting frustrating. No. They are not. Because, according to research, vitamins cause cancer.
http://www.consumeraffairs.com/news04/vitamin_supplements.html

Right. That's it. Until research can come up with something that I can eat without the prospect of tumors, I'm going to filter the air for nutrition in the same way that whales filter for krill. I'll sit at my computer, noting the progress of my physical state and posting it on Faceboo... *sigh*.
Oh well, it looks like we're going to lose an entire generation of people who take photographs of themselves at a 45-degree angle, because research shows that Facebook causes cancer.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-1149207/How-using-Facebook-raise-risk-cancer.html

Oh bugger this then. I'm not doing ANYTHING. At all. Which obviously won't work as I'll suffer from malnutrition, which will give me cancer. And in my boredom, I'll be tempted to update my Facebook status. What do do... what to do? Aah, I know. I'll try a bit of self imposed stasis, see if that helps...
...which of course it won't. As, apparently, according to research, You don't actually need to do anything untoward or risky. Because *drum-roll please* according to research, you can 'catch' cancer....
http://health.asiaone.com/Health/Women%2527s%2BMatters/Cancer%2BCentre/Story/A1Story20090309-127123.html

Next week: How breathing can cause bronchitis, and how using your arms can eventually lead to arthritis.

Dee.