Over tea and biscuits, I'm frequently asked "Dee, what is your view on the western-evolved cultural sensibility, especially in a wider universal sense? And what does your opinion say about detergents?".
My answer rings thus:
Bang. A big bang.
Although, as physics dictates, sound isn't carried in the vacuum of space which means it wasn't even a mild 'phwop'. But I suppose 'Not Even a Mild Phwop' doesn't sound as dramatic as 'Big Bang', and 'Phwop' would be a bastard for Steven Hawking to articulate... but I digress.
Nearly 14 billion years ago, everything started. Ish.
In a single, incomprehensible moment, a soup of madness spilled out from the opened tin of nullity, splashing into the cold saucepan of reality. The universe was born; all violence and bubbling promise. The wild, early universe held nothing of 'solidity', it was a mass of elementary particles and energy, so any simile with croutons doesn't work at this time. Think of it as a simple broth with no garnish.
Bang.
And as the swirling madness of the early universe expanded, elementary particles crashed into each other in the chaotic mêlée. Matter was borne of this searing crush. Think of this as the dance floor at a club at around 2am... and the resulting toilet-based passion. Although in the case of the universe, matter was established in mere seconds. No 9 month wait for 'happy accidents' here.
Bang.
As energy created matter, matter created particles, particles became atoms, atoms came together to form the first molecules and molecules formed the first 'stuff'. Although it only took a few minutes for the universe to grasp the fundamentals of this, it took hundreds of millions of years to sort out making anything that we'd visually interpret as a 'thingy'. Possibly a bit tardy, but worth the wait.
Stars were born. Super-hot, massive orbs of such enormous amounts of 'stuff' that they self-destruct and combust into brilliant bulbs of wonderment, their energies exploding forth as heat, light and radiation throughout the known universe. All because of the crashing, compressive force of gravity. Gravity which compresses matter and makes a teaspoonful of star weigh many, many tons.
Aah, I see that the morbidly obese readers with a gastric bypass just became interested. Unfortunately, a cake shop's entire stock will never reach this level of gravitational influence here on earth. My condolences, fatty.
Bang.
The planets formed. Earth. Terra. Our little, mottled blue ball, wobbling its merry way around our decidedly average sun (by sun standards). But its early years were turbulent, violent times, understood best by the parents of toddlers who have pretentions to be stunt performers. Before the earth had settled into anything resembling its current form, disaster came in the guise of a cataclysmic collision with another baby planet of similar size, when both went running across the living-room to see who would be first to pick up the squeaky rabbit. Oh, hang on. I'm mixing up my analogies here. Strike that. Reverse a bit. You know what I'm getting at.
And the earth gained a moon. Planet #2 lost the wrestle and settled in an orbit around the heavier Earth; a subservient lunar Manuel to our earthly Basil Fawlty.
Bang.
Bang. Bang. Thump. Wallop. Whap. Clump. Bosh. P'twang!
Exhaustive onomatopoeia, perfectly illustrating the meteors and asteroids that hit the early earth. And with this pock-marked invasion came the seeds of life; science pointing more and more to the possibility that the amino-acids needed to kickstart mortal-essence came piggybacking on one of these cosmic missiles. You, yes you, are most probably the evolution of an alien sludge that first appeared about 3.5 billion years ago. For more evidence of this, visit Milton Keynes, or just look out of the window at a bus-stop come dusk in an urban area.
Bang.
Life evolved into complex and wonderful things, each new epoch partially decimated by a whopping great collision that threatened the existence of all life on earth. At least four mass-extinction events have occurred in earth's history - in fact, statistically, we are well overdue for another - each of them at least as grave as the event that wiped out the dinosaurs. But life struggled on like an old lady on her way to a jumble sale during snowy weather. Life always found a way to move onwards, regardless of its inappropriate attire or the loss of rubber bungs from the bottom of its zimmer frame.
Bang.
Then, 6 million years ago, a mere blink in the timeline, the earliest known ancestor of man decided it was sick of getting blisters on its palms and defined the limbs at the back as it’s only legs. An incredibly canny decision, as nearly 5.95 million years later, stone-age hominids were almost wiped out by a gigantic volcanic explosion which reduced the population to 10,000 individuals. Possibly the 10,000 that were bright enough to hold their nose with their well-established opposable-thumbs and forefingers, thus preventing choking on their own spew from the incredibly eggy smell from the concentrated sulfur dioxide that now saturated the earth’s atmosphere.
Bang.
40,000 years ago. Not even an eyelash rubbed from a tired eye that has fallen onto a margin in the pages of history. The Cro-Magnon appear. Modern Man sits at the wheel.
The Earth takes its eye off the road for a millisecond and groans at the sight of the impending car crash.
Bang.
Fast-forward another 35,000 years. Some bright-spark shouts ‘party!?’ and civilisation begins. Construction on a huge scale starts. Bang. Technology and territory promote strategised warfare. Bang. New fiscal systems conceive modern industry. Bang. The genius of our species splits the atom; the potential of this new and wonderful energy source providing mankind with the option of no longer having to pillage the natural world for rare and polluting resources. Bang. Some berk decides to make world-decimating bombs instead. Bang...
And we reach our Zenith. All of history comes together through trial, tribulation, fire and brimstone. Through hard graft, life, death, experience and wisdom to reach the needle- point of ‘now’. We’ve made it – against the slim odds that such a chaotic universe has given to life, we’ve made it. It’s beautiful. It’s astonishing. It’s completely beyond comprehension.
But we can stand tall and manage the weight of history on our shoulders; we can raise our chin and proclaim to the universe ‘We are worthy’ through our endeavours. We have nothing to be ashamed of in our progression towards perfection. We are as enlightened as our intelligence and experience allows...
...
Pahahahahaha!
Cillit Bang.
Think about it.
Dee.
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